WHY does the very rare chance of this occurring at all have to fall on the night before my exam.  damnit :(

i honestly just get this visual image

like we’re slowly tearing us aprart

like when i used to cut and shred the skin

they weren’t as deep of cuts, but they were almost more painful

because they were messy and ripping the skin instead of a clean cut.

self inflicting pain.

maybe i’m doing it again

making matters worse than just a clean, quick break.

a clean cut.

what are we doing to ourselves?

my mind..

i just don’t know where it is.

i have no where to land right now and even if i did i wouldn’t have any time to stay with it for any real length of time.

i’m so incredibly up in the air 

i don’t know what to do with myself.

i don’t know what to do with us.

…but i don’t think i want a clean cut.

i’ll hang on

by that tiny bit of whatever it is we’re hanging on with

i’ll hang on with you

i just can’t promise you it’s any good for us.

but it’s what i want.

as sad and painful as it may be to look back on in the future

it’s what i want right now.

i don’t know what this is.

i don’t know what to do.

but i want you.

i want us.

i miss us.

i predict lots of sleeping too much coming on in the next week or so.  damn this sucks.

i’m not quite sure it’s setting in because i’m just so fucking exhausted.  i got a total of six hours of sleep in the last two nights, i think.  just trying to finish this math homework then i’m passing the fuck out.  this weekend was a good one though, despite the end of my dynamic duo with the other half and burying my grandpa.  fuck, so much happened this weekend.  i don’t know how i’m still going.  taking a break to eat some food and then back to math.  fuuuuuhck.

made me sound like i hate sex, i have daddy issues and shitty relationships where now i have zero expectations of people.

i say things without the need for an explanation, knowing they may make me come off as someone i’m not and not caring because i won’t be seeing any of these people after this quarter, but i kind of wish i didn’t say the things i generally say at the same time because i’m giving everyone the wrong impression.  and one of my girlfriend’s friends is in the class sooooo that sucks a little bit more.  i want to tell her i’m not as i seem, but then that just makes a bigger deal of it.

what a pickle.

drinking a beer and listening to good music (aka washed out) in the hopes of it going away.

maybe it’s because i miss my lady love

maybe it’s because i’m worried i won’t have a third class and then i won’t be able to graduate/be full time because if i don’t get into this class tomorrow i have no clue what i’ll do.

maybe it’s because i’ve been a lazy bum since spring break slash le wisdom teeth removal and i don’t want to be but it’s too late to go to the gym and i just want to sleep so i can wake up tomorrow and have it be sunny and make the best of that day because i did so much today already so whatever.

maybe it’s because i love audrey and i want her here, as i said in point one and as i thought when i got home by myself instantly, hours ago.

three months wednesday

mazzy star tomorrow, holy hell.

that’s our little celebration.

woo hoozers

MY LIIIIFE

….all by my lonesome.

I can’t believe it.  :)

Gahhh!