i honestly just get this visual image

like we’re slowly tearing us aprart

like when i used to cut and shred the skin

they weren’t as deep of cuts, but they were almost more painful

because they were messy and ripping the skin instead of a clean cut.

self inflicting pain.

maybe i’m doing it again

making matters worse than just a clean, quick break.

a clean cut.

what are we doing to ourselves?

my mind..

i just don’t know where it is.

i have no where to land right now and even if i did i wouldn’t have any time to stay with it for any real length of time.

i’m so incredibly up in the air 

i don’t know what to do with myself.

i don’t know what to do with us.

…but i don’t think i want a clean cut.

i’ll hang on

by that tiny bit of whatever it is we’re hanging on with

i’ll hang on with you

i just can’t promise you it’s any good for us.

but it’s what i want.

as sad and painful as it may be to look back on in the future

it’s what i want right now.

i don’t know what this is.

i don’t know what to do.

but i want you.

i want us.

i miss us.

Being back at my parents, getting into bed, it’s not my house, it’s not my room, but I did spend three months and then a few weeks of winter break here. It doesn’t feel like home but it feels like something. This smell. God it smells so good. I miss the way my room always smelled. This is something like it but it’s not quite exactly. I’m not allowed to put anything on the walls, to make it my own. Kinda sucks, but my bed is so comfy so I can deal. It’s still my stuff in here. But god this smell is bringing up some emotion I must have had when I lived here. I don’t know what it is though. I think it reminds me of this winter break. I was sad. I had no one here and didn’t really feel like it was worth it to go to SCV, I had just met someone and then it ended as quickly as it started but it shook me up. Then I spent almost every night for the rest of winter break staying up til morning and falling for someone else. I guess I do have some memories here. Wow. It feels strange.

it was in my dream…. i was looking out the window of my first room of the house that i spent most of my years in portland living in.  it was snowing and cold and i just saw a bunch of trees missing all their leaves.  i wonder if that actually was the view from that room or if it was just in my dream.  it was a beautiful back yard, could have been.  anyway, the song’s tied to insanely sad thoughts, i think that’s why it was in my dream.  i would never want to hurt audrey.  i woke up thinking of her, of course.  being drunk and stupid is fun, but that’s all it is.  i guess i feel fine about how ridiculous i was last night, but i the thought of it escalating or doing it later down the road… i don’t think i’d ever do it.  or at least i don’t want to.  (though i don’t think anyone really ever WANTS to hurt anyone..)  i really just want to avoid as much pain in this relationship as possible.  i hate relationships because of all the feelings they provoke, god damnit.  blahhhhh okay i am going to put on happy music and pack for LA as i’m leaving in about an hour.  woo hoo!

i have no clue whatsoever why i’m thinking of this as i write this essay.  i know there is no relevance, but for some reason it popped up.  god, i miss shirley.  every day i wish for her to somehow get better and beat this cancer for good.  but remission is so unlikely.  i just wish there was some miracle that would cure her and give her back her quality of life.

fuck

i can’t believe i can see this.

it’s surreal.  :(

driving back into santa cruz tonight

i realized

the last couple of hours i was here

i was with you.  

the last night i was here i was sleeping with you,

the last day i was here i spent it mostly with you.

.

then i see my friends tonight

and they ask about you.

i have to tell them it ended

before it really even began.

.

but now i’m back.

and soon you will be too.

and your exes will remain in your past life

while you move and settle back into your new one.

.

and i’ll be here

pondering

as i lie entangled in the sheets we slept in together

not too long ago

…

as i have no idea what’s to come

.

but i’m not expecting much

and i didn’t say bye to either of my parents.

our relationship has just gotten that shitty.  cool.

i really want a smoke, damnit.

WHY AM I GOING CRAZY!?

slash i just emailed someone like fifteen minutes ago, maybe that’s relative.

WHAT DO I DO ABOUT THIS?!

masturbate i guess. 

this. could. be. epic.

fought with my mom before i got here and again just now.  she LITERALLY wants me to sugar coat everything otherwise she doesn’t want me to come to portland with her this week.  i’m honestly debating whether i should stay here just so i can act like a normal person with mark, or if i want to suck it up and be unnaturally nice about everything so i can go to portland.  fuck.  i can’t believe i lived like this for 18 years of my life.  neutral is NORMAL.  jesus.

idk why i just thought of that.  but thurr you go.

tonight i met this really cool guy.  he bought me fancy drinks and we had really good conversation, and he was cute even before I started drinking (ha), but he asked me out at the end of the night and i had to “warn” him i was queer, as not to lead him on.  i told him that didn’t mean i wasn’t interested, but it just meant that in the past i haven’t been so there’s not a whole lot of luck.  it was mostly because i’ve enquired a lot of assholes.  i probably shouldn’t have said anything, but i didn’t want to be perceived as some “dyke tease bitch” or whatever someone might say after i turn them down after not telling them beforehand, so i said it tonight.  i told him i wasn’t saying i was or wasn’t interested i was just saying it’s unusual for me to say yes, so be aware.  idk…. it’s just… interesting, slash annoying for me.  i hope he actually calls me.

we shall see.

…in a frenzy, realizing there’s only two sundays left before i’m gone for the summer!  i’m trying to get into a co-op and i have to go to two sunday meetings.  i’ve been to one, but next week is a joint meeting between another co-op so i can’t go.  then the next is the night before finals.  erg.  i’m nervous.  i emailed them because i knew i wouldn’t be able to sleep if i didn’t ask some questions i had after my realization right away.  now i have a bad feeling i still won’t be able to get back to sleep. 

okay, trying though.

bye